My Mom Got Me The Most Adorably Terrible Birthday Gift I Could Have Imagined
Let me start by saying that I’ve had a Netflix account since around 2010. I was sending DVDs back quicker than you can possibly imagine. I was watching movies, throwing them in the mailbox, and I would have another movie inbound right away. Jason Bourne movies were probably ordered around 5 or 6 times each. No biggie. I don’t mean to say that I’ve had Netflix for nearly a decade as a brag; it’s just a statement of fact. Netflix hipster. I’m basically like the Mumford and sons of netflix.
That being said, imagine my surprise when I open my mailbox today. There was an overnight priority mail envelope waiting for me. It’s my birthday tomorrow so I knew there would be some kind of goodie in there. Usually, the first gift is from my Nana. She’s on top of things. This year, the first thing was from my mom which was a complete shock. In order to not be beaten, my mom overnighted the gift. The cost of that overnight delivery was 24.50.
The gift was, as you can see, a Netflix gift card. She got it because “I thought you could get extra movies.” Like there was some type of Netflix secret world that allows you to get more movies for an added fee.
My favorite part of this entire gift was the amount. 45 dollars. I love to imagine her thought process throughout this ordeal.
“What will my 36-year-old son like… hmmm…. ah, yes. Netflix. He will love that. I shall pay an outrageous fee so that he can have it on his birthday. 24.50 seems fair for that. After all, the post office is expensive now. But how much should I put on the card? 20 dollars? No. That’s too cheap. 40? No. Still not enough. 50? Fuck that. He’s not worth that. He’s kind of a little bitch who talks about pussies and stuff on the Internet which makes me feel ashamed. Why does he want to fuck pumpkins? Where did I go wrong? I cant even tell the girls at Sunday school what he does for a living. Granted, susan is a little bitch and I dont care what that whore says anyway. 45 dollars? Yes. That will do.”
Thanks for the Netflix gift card, momma. I might just frame it and keep it forever. In fact, yes. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I’m gonna frame the card.
